Monday, September 29, 2014

One shouldn’t have to market the truth so that you’ll want to hear it.

What’s your book about?

I haven’t the foggiest notion how to tell people what it’s about. The human mind hears about something and, for some odd reason, desperately needs a category for it. And if there’s absolutely no way for me to put this one into such an easy category, then the assumption is that I don’t really know what it is I’m trying to say.

Oh, but I most certainly know what I want to say alright. What I don’t know how to do is to market what I want to say . . . let me stop saying want, and start saying what I need to say, actually. I have no idea how to market what I need to say. And sometimes there are truths that are so profound but people never hear them because they can’t be marketed well. This is one of them. This is a book that, yes, talks about bible shit. No, it’s not a book for believers (other than hopefully to wake them up to some reality about their belief). But nonbelievers won’t want to read it when, in fact, they’d enjoy it most. And in actuality, those who don’t care about anything biblical would love it most of all, but would be least likely to care.

Market that! I dare you.

Everything has to be marketed. People have had their minds so manipulated by PR and advertising that they seriously cannot ingest anything unless it’s cleverly marketed for them by some mastermind who knows just how to get inside your head and flip your switch. I am not that mastermind. I, therefore, haven’t the slightest idea of how to answer that question.

But of course, I try. If I do not try, nobody will care. But when I do try to describe it, I find myself in a personal hell of confusion. Not mine, other than being confused by how nobody gets me, because how does one describe what I’m trying to say here? So yes. I try.

I’m writing a book, I tell people. A book that will radically alter the way people think about the Bible’s claims and the way we view the world.

Oh, so you’re writing a religious book?

No. I’m not religious.

So you’re writing another atheist book.

Well, technically it’s another book by an atheist, yes, but I don’t know that it’s—

There’s already a thousand books attacking religion.

Attacking religion and telling the truth about religion is not the same thing. I defend those books, but I guarantee you that none of them are quite like this.

What’s different about your atheist book? Does it attack religion?

I guess it eventually has to, but it doesn’t do it as an outside. I was a believer, however briefly, and did an obsessive amount of research.

And you found out that it’s all untrue?

Actually there’s truth, but not the kind you think. And yet there’s untruths so huge you can drive a camel through them. But there’s also hilarious, delicious irony. Other books just demand there is no god and stories about one are absurd. I’m actually not on the outside laughing at what’s in, but step into the inside and tell the truth about what’s really in there. What I have to say, you’ve not heard.

How do you know I’ve not heard it? Everyone has heard the story of Jesus.

Tell me about it! And yet people run around still insisting you need to hear the story as though there’s anybody who hasn’t!

So why rock the boat on that?

Because that boat rocks us all, actually. You know that Biblical ideals have in fact shaped and molded a great deal of how we see the world, even if such a person does not believe or has ever read the book, right?

I find that hard to believe. I don’t believe the world was created in seven days. How is my world shaped that way?

You see time as being in seven-day weeks. You measure your year since the supposed birth of a guy named Jesus even if you use B.C.E. and C.E. instead of B.C or A.D.. You probably view nudity as indecent, or at the very least, inappropriate in some circumstances. Even a lot of people who don’t commit to the Bible conform to its notion of the family, with the man as the head of the household. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Nonbelievers still can’t stop making references to an Adam and Eve if their sci-fi tales should come to a newly created world. You could get wasted on a drinking game about mentions of Eden throughout the original series of Star Trek. And even though the words are being used quite incorrectly, you reference possible ends of the world as apocalypses (which really means revelations) or Armageddon (which just means the ‘hill of Megeddo, and assumes this one particular end-of-the-world prophecy is correct in predicting it will begin there instead of elsewhere).

Name one time I use those words!

Your t-shirt says you’re ready for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Oh. Yeah. I guess I must concede that point.

So if it permeates nearly every mind in the civilized world, no matter how inadvertently, no matter how indirectly, then I feel I must ask you this: What if I told you that people have misread prophecies their whole lives? And what if what was actually meant by some of such things, when interpreted correctly, would reveal that they did exactly the wrong thing to avoid it, thus bringing it about. What if I said that I could completely shake your view of the world to its very core?

Okay, now you’re intriguing me. But didn’t Dan Brown already do that?

Oh dear god no. I mean, dear sweet . . . um . . . orbiting teapot in the cosmos no. Or Joe Pesci. Or whatever. Dan Brown just suggested the possibility a guy long ago might’ve actually used his penis. People freaked out about that, yes, but that’s hardly what I’m talking about. The difference between Dan Brown and me is that he treated the stories like there were truth to them. I have something far larger than that.

Well, now you sound arrogant.

I really don’t want to come across that way at all. I’m far better than arrogant people. (That was a joke.)

And you sound like another person with the one-true-way to interpret the Bible.

No, that’s not it at all. And believe me, I’m very much against one-right-way thinking. But there’s a difference between insisting only my interpretation of something as liquid as spiritual meaning is right, and being less concern with things of liquidity and trying to find something solid and factual. Such as history. I’m not interested in—

So what does the sacrifice of Jesus mean to you?

Wow. Well, to be honest, I—

And how do you get saved?

Okay, calm down! I don’t care about such things. Although ironically, I’ll show you in this book the absurd way that your Bible actually does say you get saved, which virtually no denomination is getting correct. But to me, it’s just something in the Bible, so I consider it just as incorrect. I don’t think Jesus ever really existed, nor do I care. I think what people need saving from is the notion that they need to be saved at all! At least in that regards. That’s my thing. This isn’t from another person trying to share how some spiritual journey sent me into seeing the beauty in the world and feeling small and all that shit. I have no desire to even talk about matters of conjecture.

But then you’re trying to say everyone else’s view is wrong.

And there you go. That’s not even what I want to say. I have information they won’t like, but I don’t, by any means, want to tell people that they’re wrong about everything, or that their experiences in life have been meaningless. A person’s personal experience in this life is theirs. I don’t wish to take that away from people. It’s just that theirs isn’t the only one. But I can surely tell you that they wished to take that away from me. And the history of their religion is that it has tried to take that away from entire peoples, and often succeeded in such genocidal ventures.

But when you go down that liquid road, everything becomes meaningless and debatable and then everyone throws in the way they see it, and before too long you have a bunch of people chasing meandering visions but everybody missing the point. So that when you have something important to say and be taken seriously and solidly, nobody is in the headspace to do so. I have no interest going into the journey where everything can mean anything to anybody, and you can’t say their meaning is wrong, because that is not how I’m trying to analyze the Christian religion.

Well, to analyze it, you must live it.

Actually, I hardly think that’s fair. First, it judges everyone else’s way of life without experiencing them, but insists we experience theirs. It’s particularly nasty towards Islam lately, but not entirely without merit. Islam is a religion of kill kill kill, but Christians forget that so is theirs. Hell, they’re both Abrahamic faiths that get their base attitudes from the same source! Another example is that organized religions often invaded other cultures. I submit someone from the invaded culture doesn’t need to live the path of the invader to know they don’t appreciate being invaded.

But also, you assume I have not lived it. I most certainly have. And then people assume that I didn’t really accept Jesus or I wouldn’t be the atheist that I am now. That’s always thrown at me too. I dug deeper into it than most. I didn’t leave just because I had an unpleasant experience, but because I grasped the point, and saw the point being missed entirely by the religious world. When I left, people in my church probably just assumed I wanted some sin too much that I just threw Jesus away or something. They’d never take even the slightest second to see through my eyes. They just wanted to call me back to belief of the Wizard after I’d already looked behind his curtain to see the decrepit old charlatan throwing switches.

Strangely as a nonbeliever I can clearly give the reason why the faith got things wrong about us, and how the people of that faith are doing it all wrong. But what I’m really saying is that such feely analysis is wonderful for those just wanting to be inspired to get through their day, which I don’t want to take away from them. But when you step into such a headspace where you’re too afraid to insist an absolute meaning to anything, lest you call someone else’s spiritual view wrong and offend them, in the end that makes everything meaningless. What I have to share has extreme meaning. I am not offering Chicken Soup for the Soul. I am burdened, instead, with napalm for a people’s delusions about reality.

You just called everyone’s religious view wrong.

Not in how it helps you get through the day. But a population of people just getting through the day, and nobody seeing the big picture, still means our culture moves towards one hell of a horrible end.

You sound like a doomsayer.

Not end as in an end of the world (not that climate change doesn’t lead to some potential apocalypses of its own) but as in conclusion and harmful way of life.

Do you worry about everything all the time?

Actually I’m quite a laughing weirdo. I enjoy comedy more than anything. As you could tell by my blog, I particularly enjoy heckling hilariously bad movies like MST3K. But If there is a truth that we are destroying the world, do you care if you hear it from someone who smiles and is dressed nicely as he says to you that your house is on fire? If you have cancer, do you need to hear it from a comedian, or someone whose job is to tell people that they have cancer?

Yeah,  now I’m back to making that point that we’re always having to market things. But should you have to market harsh truths, when marketing is a game of delusion as it is? The idea we might be destroying the environment (not up for argument) shouldn’t have to put on such a fa├žade and dance for you. You should just care! If a building is on fire and I shout, “Fire!” and you start criticizing me on my delivery, that’s just absurd. I’m not trying to sell you on a new type of detergent. I’m just trying to get to a very important truth here.

But that’s not even what I’m doing here! This isn’t about the end of the world. You’re going to laugh when I tell you the end the Bible prophesied already came and left! That’s the truth! That’s the thing that I don’t need muddled up with how people interpret things, and what things mean to them personally, because I just need to demonstrate something clear and concise and true.

And I’ll even throw in a lot of humor (or attempt, depending on whether it makes you laugh) in hopes that it’ll go down easier—like Mary Poppins’ spoonful of sugar. But nevertheless, I have a very important intention and destination. It is solid. It does deal with a common religion, but it doesn’t deal with unsolid, unshaped notions that should be interpreted differently by each person because—

ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!! This is frustrating.

Let me put it to you this way, so long as you understand the point I’m making isn’t one of doom, but is one of absolute history. Again, it’s not a threat of upcoming danger, but I must use such a thing for this metaphor to work. So let’s just say someone were to hold a gun to you, and you were unaware that the gun is pointed at you. If I were to warn you, do you need me to warn you in such a way that doesn’t offend you? To give you some notion of how absurd this could get: I may say it’s a gun, but what if, to you, it’s not really a deadly weapon because death isn’t an end, but a new beginning. So it’s not an instrument of death but one of powerful change? And since it might invoke change, then the gun could be said to be a tool of creation rather than a weapon of death. So really I should say that a new beginning is pointed at your head. But really, is it your head, or merely the piece of flesh that traps your true self? Or your third chakra? Or by head, should you take what I say literally or do I mean that he’s trying to change the way your mind sees the world? Perhaps he’s not trying to kill you, but wanting to liberate you by bringing to an end your old worldview so that you can wake up anew.

Um . . . no. It’s a gun. With a bullet. That will go into your head and kill you.

Sometimes you have to speak in absolutes, and when you do, and everyone gets offended, and nobody wants to hear a word you say, you’re just standing there wondering why nobody cares that the building is on fire, but caring too much to just leave everyone in it to burn as they chase ghosts and burn incense.

What if there’s a very important message (not a doomsaying one, quite the opposite in fact) that is buried in the shit that usually drives people into angels on the head of a pin type of language? Yeah. It’s like that. And it’s not going to make you feel horrible. In the end, you’ll probably laugh as absurdly about the whole mess as I often do.

But in order to get there, you’ll have to suspend, just for these few pages, any and all notions that you hate having challenged. Go with what I’m saying rather than resisting and going into tangents of what things really mean to you, or being upset when you hear how an outsider finds your visions absurd. Yes, I know you’ll see things differently. Maybe by eating of his flesh Jesus meant that you share in his hardships, or maybe he wants you to be a cannibal, or…

I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m not doing that dance right now.

I’m not just sick of religious assumptions. My job here is to lift them up, show you what reality they’ve been hiding from you, and hopefully, help you realize how this belief thing has a lot of people acting like downright, self-defeating fools. If you are doing this, and you weren’t aware of it, wouldn’t you want someone to tell you? Well, what if each time they do, you go off about what the gun really means?

Exactly. You may hate me. You may be horribly offended by my disdain for religion. But I promise, I’m going to take you somewhere that, when you get there, you will say the same thing that I said:

Why didn’t anybody ever tell me this?!?!?!?!?!

Or you’ll know what the enemy of your faith thinks, and can be informed enough to lead your religion’s brigade against my dangerous, Satanic message. However you wish to see it. The important thing is that you’ll have at least heard me. And, I hope, that you won’t have me lynched. That happens an awful lot to people like me, and I can’t say that it sounds pleasant or gives people much of a favorable rating of you or your faith.

Here’s my point:

I dare you to read this book. I dare you to get through these statements. These statements may sound a touch crazy, but I assure you, they’re absolutely true, and that there’s not even a touch of belief or crazy in them whatsoever. They do not come to you from someone who believes in demons or miracles or doomsday, because I do not believe in anything biblical. I dare you to consider these facts, because I know that they’ll offend you until you see the truth about them.

The following statements are absolute fact:

  • Christianity has become its own Antichrist, but has been so for nearly two millennia.
  • The Kingdom of Heaven (or the ‘rapture’ I guess) has already come and gone. It was a colossal failure.
  • The force that Christians call the Antichrist won a long time ago.
  • You have had the Mark of the Beast since you were born already, as have all generations since the day that book of Revelation was written. You actually love it, and you wouldn’t give up that mark to save your life or your afterlife, because once you realize what it really meant, you’ll laugh.
  • Christianity has failed in every single one of its intentions.

Well, it hasn’t failed me. Personally I have found a great deal of peace and—

What did I tell you?

Oh yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, the Apocalypse already happened, and it turns out, it’s all not so fucking bad. Not great. Some things about it need serious changing, like the tendency of our culture to pollute and destroy everything and all.

You can go off about what those things mean to you as a Christian on a spiritual journey, but I don’t really give a shit about that right now. Maybe after we’re done you can tell me about your spiritual journey. I’m an atheist, but I am also honored when people share their most sacred thoughts with me. I feel the same way about my pagan friends. But I really don’t believe in their gods either.

So be ready to take a lot of jokes, even a lot at your own expense. I promise, what I have to show you is a way of looking at all this that you’ve never even remotely considered. If you’re religious, it’ll anger you but you need to hear it. If you’re not religious and think you don’t care, once you’ve read it, you’ll laugh your ass off about how hilarious the entire thing ended up being. And if you think this is a book about the end of the world, you’d be stunned to find out that ending already happened and you and I are still here.

That’s what my book is about. It’s just important enough because we have some stupid ways of looking at the world that are tied up in religion, and we don’t realize how duped we’ve been. It wasn’t a conspiracy that got us here. It was a bunch of meandering fools all caught up in a feeling of religion.

______________________________________________

This was written because I do get asked a lot about what the book I’m working on is about, and it’s hell. I figure a Preface is needed. And I hated the way the book began. I’m thinking of scrapping the entire first chapter and trying to reshape it so that it leads into my story easier. Or at least brushing out some bumps. I don’t know. I haven’t gotten any input at all from anybody yet because everyone who says they’ll read it have left me waiting while I don’t think any of them have even touched the first page, so it’s impossible for me to know. But I’m putting this thing up for self-publishing soon so I can watch it be ignored on the shelves. I guess. Why not, right?

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Somebody thinks they’re clever

You may have seen this graphic which beautifully exhibits the points of why Facebook’s name policy is harmful, which is, as I’ve said, the decision Google+ came to earlier this year:

Zuckerbergian

Well, somebody decided they were going to be clever and created a parody.

CounterPointsss

That’s okay, I have counter points, and they destroy these attempts completely:

CounterPoints

But the person who showed me this put both the first and the second side by side and asked a good question. He said he didn’t care about who’s more right, but what the solution was. I say it’s a good question because, as you can see in my points, we’re not advocating for these crimes. These crimes aren’t committed by names. We’re not against policies that fight crimes. This doesn’t prevent crimes. It does harm people though.

But Zuckerberg’s not listening to anybody. His policy is absolutely right and that’s that. He doesn’t care who’s hurt. He cares about one thing: PROFITS. That’s all. Nothing else. He’ll only care if we leave his site. Watch and see.

Does the entire world wait for you to speak before it makes everything loud?

image Here's something a lot of people don't know about me. I was in speech therapy classes when I was in first grade. I didn’t know the reason back then. For years I thought it must’ve just been because I wouldn’t speak, since at an early age I was terrified to talk to people. We’re talking terrified. Like, if they heard me speak they’d hurt me. Long story short, my mother once told me that she had me in other therapy and counseling to try to find out if I was molested. Weirdly, she later denied it and said the therapist said I wasn’t. I don’t get her at all, but that’s another bunch of bullshit.

It’s years later, and I now understand my father’s affliction of agnosia and verbal auditory agnosia better. I don’t know that this goes along with agnosia cases, but I do know that speaking takes a tremendous amount of energy out of me. Hanging with friends is fun and all, but when I have to speak, I say it, and then relax again. I say it as loudly and clearly as I can muster. Why? I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING HAVE TO REPEAT IT. And someone always goes, “Huh?”

You’ll see that look on my face. A look of exhaustion. I said it once. Now I have to drum up the energy to say it again, and hopefully even remember all of what I said, just because you couldn’t bother yourself to hear me the first time. That’s what that look says.

It’s nto really fair. Sometimes things happen that drown out my speech. My voice doesn’t carry well. People often are legitimately hard of hearing. But it does get on my nerves greatly that I don’t give a shit. Because I’m exhausted by having to say things twice. Speaking seems so fucking effortless for everyone else, but for me, it’s work. I think it’s a huge part of why interactions with people are PTSD inducing at times, or why work obligations often drove me to the edge of sanity.

But sometimes I do want to say stuff. I may even want to tell a story. Everyone else gets to. But no, not me. For an additional touch of goddammitness™ (new word! All mine!), it seems everything around me that makes some kind of obnoxiously loud noise is just waiting for me to start speaking before the entire planet goes TOURRETTE’S MOTHERFUCKING SYNDROME ON CRACK POONTANG NUTSACK WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! and drowns me out. Often in the middle of a story, I’m already interrupted and having to repeat plenty of what I said, that I’d rather just not bother. I’m already regretting even beginning the story.

So people have been listening, and they expect a point. Now I have to read their faces. Are they just annoyed I’m even talking? Are they wanting to know why I started? Why is that herd of elephants picking NOW to stampede behind me? Would you PLEASE take that battery-operated Fisher Price noise making monstrosity from your child? So anyway, I said to the guy TRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNNN HONKSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

So people around me, please at least make an effort to hear what I said, and know I mean nothing when I get aggravated by it all. I’m a nice guy. I really am. But sometimes I swear, I just want to snap. But I’d probably just be interrupted if I did.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Farcebook asks “businesses” about its policy. Why ask people? Because they don’t matter.

The drag queen name policy of Facebook has come to its final conclusion. Facebook will be deleting all drag queen accounts and demanding “real names” of all its users in less than two weeks, and that’s their final answer.

So Facebook decided it wanted a poll to back up its decision, and that poll is to ask businesses. And that’s hysterical. Why not ask people? Oh yes, people don’t provide Facebook with profits. He doesn’t sell your private information to regular people to make his billions. He sells that to businesses. So he really can’t pretend that he cares about your protection at all.

Yeah, Facebook says that it’s to protect its users, but let us all remember that Google+ had the same debate and chose the opposite. Google decided it can’t protect you from people faking themselves online. Only you really can do that. But that name forcing can and does absolutely expose you online to people who you might want to avoid. And it’s absolutely true.

Telling you that you cannot have a separate account, and that you must use the one on your birth certificate, means a lot of negative things for you that are definite, but not one of them truly protects you. I will list you some reasons here: 

  1. To insist you use an ID to support your identity claim is faulty. I can get a fake ID and use it, so this doesn’t keep criminals off Facebook. Unless Facebook plans on going through databases of states, which is such a violation of privacy that it’s absolutely absurd.
  2. To insist you can only have on account ties you absolutely to that one account and all that happens on it. You cannot do what everyone on the planet with any intelligence does, and that’s separate your business life from your personal life. Let’s not pretend that businesses search online media to research you when you file for a job. A proven fact. But they also do so when you already work for them. Many have already been fired from their jobs because of something they’ve posted on Facebook or Twitter.
  3. Facebook pretends to be supportive of what are laughingly called “alternative genders,” image by giving a list of 50 ways to answer the question of your gender. Here’s the problem. If it were truly supportive of the rights of gender queer individuals, these people would know that it’s still legal in 29 states to fire someone for being gay. In fact, it’s legal to do so in all states if you choose to target an individual because they’re gay, and push to find an alternative reason. So Facebook doesn’t give a shit about you at all.
  4. The policy is also potentially racist. After all, what qualifies as a ‘real name?’ What if your name is something of a different language? Is it not a real name because it’s not Bob or Peter or Sarah or Michelle? The name I used, Ray RedSpider, was declared a fake name by them, and they made my middle name claim, Bear, into my last name without even asking me! And then they canned my account insisting that Ray Bear, which I never claimed, wasn’t my real name! No fucking shit, Shirlock! I TOLD YOU IT WASN’T!!! So if you’re not named something American/English culture calls a common name, you have to prove yourself? It also instead I couldn’t have a capital letter in the middle of my last name (RedSpider) because apparently no real last name has ever had such a thing. Just as any McDonald, or O’Reilly or St. Clair family member. Seriously, Facebook!!! You don’t realize your absolute moronic stance isn’t even remotely consistent or realistic???
  5. One friend, who is of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, brought up a beautiful point about how insulting this is. Accordingly, being a drag queen and using her drag name (which she’s more known and famous by than her birth-certificate name, so it’s not like she’s hiding at all) apparently puts her under suspicion of Facebook for being a potential child molester or sexual offender. That’s absurd. If you plan on raping kids, the best way to do that, we all already know, is to become a priest! Not to call everyone’s attention to your gender identity that’s already considered ‘alternative.’ Everyone already knows that if you want to prey on kids, you do it by hiding as a normal, uninteresting individual, which is why you never hear of people raped by an overt, out and proud, already suspicion-showered drag queen! Try your local church and youth ministry.
  6. Again, as it’s been pointed out time and again, many of us would rather never again be located  by members of our families because they are abusive relationships. Facebook can’t effectively protect you from child molestation by canning drag queens, but it absolutely, positively DOES expose you to the people you’re trying to avoid by making you use that name online. Absolutely, guaranteed, 100% exposes you to your employer’s pryings. Absolutely, positively declares you untrustworthy for your alternative gender identity. This isn’t even debatable. The protection Facebook claims to be giving, however, is.

But then, all Facebook cares about is profits. Or it wouldn’t be asking businesses. And if businesses should overwhelmingly tell Facebook that it finds the policy absurd, then Facebook will change its policy, right? Well, we’ll see. Because that poll is OVERWHELMINGLY against the ‘real name’ policy!

image 
(Results as of 10:20pm PT, Sept. 21, 2014)

So the answer now is, does Facebook care, or is it just out for profits from selling your personal information? Is it only interested in being a megalomaniacal business that runs your life? Will they refuse their godlike stance of owning your identity and demanding what you can or cannot be called? Ball’s in your court, Zuckerberger. I’ll be leaving Facebook by October 1st and leaving only my fan page for those who want to find me, unless you come to your senses. It clearly seems that nobody is on your side except for a tiny few. Have fun with 6% of your present base.

And say hey to Tom of MySpace for me. I haven’t talked to him in forever. Neither has anybody else.

I’m so lonely!

UPDATE: Someone posted this excellent picture that’s now going around on Facebook. I mean how much more do these idiots need to hear before they actually give this fucking thing thought?

Zuckerbergian

Friday, September 19, 2014

Yet another White House page trolled…

…and yet another troll being handed his ass. Because of course this post by the White House on Google+ has absolutely nothing to do with anything the trolls are talking about, since rightwingers can’t stay on topic to save their lives. Enter… this guy, flinging abortion and AIDS and other shit for no reason other than he’s a juvenile twat:

Doofus1 Doofus2 Doofus3 Doofus4 
image 

As usual, rightwingers be like…

Liberals use facts

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I can make signs too, assholes

 

imageThe Katy, Texas, gun nut hut known as Tactical Firearms, who recently put out a sign suggesting beheading Obama’s family, is milking the living shit out of their fifteen minutes of famous stupidity on Facebook. Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, not nine, but ten posts on their Facebook page (and one of those, #ten above, whining about how Facebook deleted their sign even though they didn’t, because they’re such victims of liberal conspiracies and stuff). It’s basically like they keep yelling, “HoooooWHEEEE!!! We’z on TV!!! Ya’ll lookit!!!” Yes, honey. We see it.

Fifteen minutes that they’d been using their sign to try to achieve for some time now, with shit like this delightful one about wanting Obama impeached rather than Perry indicted. (Sorry, but you still need a reason, like we have for indicting Perry).

image

And then, of course, when a few people responded how that was bullshit, they of course pull the Rightwing act of their 1st Amendment rights being violated (waaaahhhh) even though they weren’t, and then played the act of being all fucking noble and shit about how we only have the 1st Amendment because people like them (and nobody else on earth apparently) fought and died for that amendment. So you know, praise guns and shit. And ignore that the 1st is about government demanding you not speak rather than people sick of your shit and exercising their 1st Amendment rights to call you on your bullshit:

image

It should be mentioned that, like Dick Dynasty, they’re just trying to drum up publicity for their “reality show” that they were offered. Because you know, hate sells. Hate sells bigtime. It should also be mentioned that they expect liberals heads to explode because they brilliantly used the original term, “libtard.”

image

Which is even funnier because after that, it turns out liberals are the notorious name-callers apparently:

image

Oh and, don’t forget, the mandatory Obama-plays-golf joke that the Right keeps making but has NO room to make whatsoever:

image

And of course, 9/11 isn’t as bad as Benghazi since it didn’t happen under the black guy, I guess.

Benghazi

Not that they would know since the news that tells them what they want to hear, didn’t tell them jack shit about there being no wrongdoing found in the Benghazi investigation. Yeah. Typical rightwing assholes. And of course, what racism?

image

Well folks, I can make signs too. And you know something… mine makes far more fucking sense. Because Obama’s not responsible for anybody being beheaded, but guns and crazy gun-fuckers are responsible for the carelessness with which guns are killing people across this country. So……

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Yeah, you’ll get your show, I’m sure. But you know something, everyone will know you’re just rightwing whores selling your hate-fucking for money and fame, just like every other hate-fucker with a freakshow reality program on the air right now. That people only watch to laugh about.

Say hello to Mema for me. Oh, and try not to let your heads explode when you find out she likes Will & Grace. I’m sure that’ll probably make YOUR heads go ‘splodey. Let’s face it, you’re just Tactical Sign-spewers and nothing more. And your own followers keep calling you juvenile for doing nothing but saying bullshit signs. And that’s just delightful to me.

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Friday, September 12, 2014

Drag Queens ask, who is Zuckerfucker to tell us our real name?


Repeatedly I’ve stood with RuPaul in her fight against trans-haters who were angry over the word tranny, not realizing that drag queens happily accept that as a term for themselves (trans-vestite, after all). And it’s not the first time a term previously used for a slur was proudly accepted by many, since so many now proudly accept and define themselves as queer. But many in the trans community insist that they’re trans-phobic for it, while at the same time expressing incredibly hateful things towards drag queens. Like they’re not a real gender or identity because they can take their clothes off, which is quite belittling to their identity if you ask me.

Well, Facebook hits on the same thing. And it affects me as well. And I’m not a transgendered or drag queen person.

You see, if you’ve found me on Facebook you’ve been puzzled by my name on there. That name is Ray Bear. My actual name? The name I’ve gone by for over a decade now? Ray RedSpider, as you see here. But Facebook rejected that when I set up my account. I put Bear in the last name just to get the damned thing set up, and then I contacted them about the problem. Their reaction was to tell me that I can never change my name now. Yes, they’ve put a lock on my name and, in their fucking wisdom, declared what my name is to be.

Who the fuck is Facebook to tell people what their names can’t be? I expressed anger, and people were beligerent to tell me to shut the fuck up about a free service. One of the people who told me that was even a trans-gendered person, I might add. And in my true nature, I told the bitch not to tell me what I can or cannot post about, because I don’t put up with that shit. Well, she seems to have calmed down about it.

But today, and just today, Facebook decided to start telling Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence to stop using their sister names (many of which have used them for DECADES) because it insists they must use what’s on their driver’s license. And in one day they’ve blown it the fuck up so much that WALL STREET FUCKING JOURNAL is talking about this! I mean I expected it on Queerty, but not there! Remember when they rolled out 50+ gender identities? Then they turn around and target drag queens, as Queerty said:
We know Facebook just rolled out gender-neutral family options, so clearly they’re trying to appear sensitive to nonconforming identities. So what’s with the name police?
My sentiments exactly.

This confirms what I’ve always said. Drag queens are who I count on for justice. When people got onto me for being politically incorrect, and I point out that drag queens are as PC as Limbaugh is svelte, they got onto me as declaring drag queens sexist/racist/homophobic, etc., just like they’d accused of me. Which is, of course, missing the point. Go to any drag queen show and you’ll NOT be treated to PC behavior, but they are, like me, not haters either. Some of us don’t dance on eggshells because we KNOW we’re not haters.

Haters still have to though. It’s in the rules, so don’t fucking push it.

Here’s drag queens, fighting and making happen what I said I wanted to happen. Abandoning Farcebook and telling them where to shove it. My name is not Ray Bear. I never fucking said it was. I’ve actually been ridiculed for having “bear” in my name by some bear-hating assholes, and accused of being too chicken to use my real name by others, and that’s just fucking ridiculous. Don’t fucking tell me what my name can’t be. You’re not God, Zuckerberg! You’re just a nerdy dumbass who stole and idea and made billions off of everyone’s identities.

Sisters do amazing things for the community. My boyfriend is now in the process of joining, and I’m thinking of being a Guard for them. In the short time I’ve hung with these gals, I’ve been blown away by their dedication to the community, which my boyfriend has always had since I’ve known him. To say these identities are not real and cannot be their names is practically fucking fascism.

In addition, as another friend pointed out today, if you get married to your same-sex partner and one of you changes their names, most states will not let you reflect that in official documents, so you won’t be allowed to reflect that on your Facebook page. So Facebook, in all its wisdom, tells you what your name cannot be. And even if they added that list of 50+ gender choices, they’re actually still perpetuating hate for the genders of many, to say they’re not real enough to have their names on Facebook.

Facebook, you just fucked with the wrong people.

DON’T. FUCK. WITH DRAG QUEENS!

Sign the petition to tell Facebook to check themselves before they wreck themselves. I have.

EDIT: So they canned my account, and I'm going to assume it's either from this post or from my signature on the petition. Their message said, "It appears you're not using your real name." No fucking shit, although "Ray Bear" is hardly that weird of a name. They demanded I send them a picture of my photo ID. Okay, here you go. This is what I send them:


Meanwhile I have discovered that the Sisters' protest against Facebook was postponed because Facebook agreed to meet with them and discuss the policy, that even Google+ decided a while back was a dangerous policy! But I still woke up to find my account canned? Go figure. However ZDNet has posted about this too, so it's in the geek community as well. This discussion got real. Facebook can't hide now. They have to make a decision and the world gets to judge them on it. And hopefully abandon these shitbags if they make the wrong one.

I'll be at Google+ if they keep canning me, so follow me there. It's better. Trust me.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Koch Brothers Exposed: 2014 – Full Film

Yes, they’re the actual enemies of our country. If you think it’s the liberals, you’re not really paying any actual attention. Take an hour and watch the film.

Oh magicians, you’re going to hate me…

 

I’m not, by any means, trying to pull an act of knowing it all (despite many accusations I’ve gotten) because if you know me, you’d be stunned to find out what I don’t know. Like, lots of shit that almost everyone else on earth does. But there’s this weird tendency I have to see the things that misdirection is designed to make you not see, because I’m fucked in the head. No other reason. I’m just fucked. That’s a testament to how mental disability can sometimes make a person gifted in another area.

Want to know how these guys did this? Because it actually is pretty easy to me. I figured it out almost seconds after the act was complete. And they’re going to hate me for giving away their secret. Okay, here goes.

Always assume a magician has something in their sleeve. I’ve seen Penn & Teller expose this in a trick with Altoids boxes where you have to find the one box that’s empty amidst the ones that are empty. You pick the one you think is empy and he picks it up and shakes it to show there are Altoids in there. He doesn’t OPEN the box though. And you know Penn & Teller. They reveal their tricks. He had a full box of Altoids rubber banded to his wrist in his sleeve, so that you heard shaking even if he picked up the empty box at your request.

That’s why you hear shaking in that last balloon. Easy.

But the real trick is the numbers on the lottery ticket. Where’d that ticket come from? Well, someone wrote the numbers, as they were called out, onto the ticket and then quickly put the silver over it. That person is behind the giant lottery ticket, and handed it off when he grabbed the giant quarter. The guy holds it in his palm and places the last balloon against it, then shakes it so you feel there’s something in the balloon. When it pops, of course, the ticket falls, appearing to have come out of the balloon.

And that’s why I say, you’re going to hate me, but there’s your magic. But even if I figured it out, it’s fucking clever.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Let the DUMBLES Secede!

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They are calling themselves the Indomitables. Indomitable, of course, meaning impossible to subdue or defeat, which we can disprove within seconds with a military that their political party helped bloat to outrageous proportions at the expense of the country’s infrastructure and the middle class and the poor.

They are also not impossible to defeat at all in debate, as they are often proving to be easily toppled over with the slightest fact and real statistical study.

But okay, they want to call themselves Indomitables, so be it. Because it opens us up to a delightfully fun thing we can do to the name. Remember Yukon Cornelius? He was that bearded character (like yours truly) from the Rankin & Bass production of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer that you love so much. He was the Duck Dynasty look-a-like that was always after silver and gold? Ring a bell?

Well, he ran into an Abominable Snowman with the guys. Remember what he called them? He called them Bumbles. Know why? Because apparently he couldn’t pronounce Abominable properly. If he can do that to the word Abominable, I say we do the same thing to the word Indomitables:

 Dumbles
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imageAnd yes, that Nazi-esque thingie is their symbol. But you know, no racism there or anything.

I don’t know if Dumbles bounce, but I’d like to see what happens if they get the fuck out of my country and let us run it according to that thing called fucking democracy, rather than constantly blocking everything because of kneejerk Satanic-panic style McCarthyist hatred towards anything liberal. Or at least anything that isn’t crazily extreme right-wing. I’d like to see them run a state of their own, and presently I’m volunteering Mississippi the state we let them have.

So who’s with me in letting them have Mississippi, removing their star from our flag, and giving it to the territories whose citizens would like voting rights and representation?

Cross posted to STFUGOP and Bible Studies from an Asshole

 

 

 

Monday, September 8, 2014

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

So on Twitter, the hashtag trending for the LAST THREE DAYS has been #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly, and it doesn't look to be letting up yet. So here's a bunch I wrote. Go ahead. Guess which each is! Oh, and if you see an @NameOfPerson before the tweet, I didn’t write it but loved it and gave the person credit:
___________________________________________

  1. When you're not looking, your toys all do a bunch of stuff in your room, which shouldn't creep you out at all.
  2. A bunch of people in leather pull people out of a computer so they can eat goopy shit and live in a cave.
  3. If you're going to try to rob a house, make sure the latchkey kid inside isn't like MacGyver on cocaine first.
  4. If a bag of drugs rips open in your butt, you become God. And a kickass computer too! Like, one that ISN’T on Vista.
  5. Starving kids take for fucking ever to finally get to the game where they have to kill each other. And they really don't die fast enough if you ask me. And why do the goddamned birds only mimic Rudy from the Cosby Show, and not every sound everyone makes?
  6. A guineapig gets wet, has babies who eat way too late and, instead of having acid reflux, become demons who destroy entire town.
  7. That redhead skank from the news is a pair of twins, and they try to trap their parents apparently. But not to sell them for meth. Shocker.
  8. Screaming children can power small countries. Monsters have very few job prospects. John Goodman's really hairy and blue.
  9. Well there's this deer. And he learns to walk while his mom is shot. Then he gets laid.
  10. Stabbing someone in the shower is just plain rude. I mean at least let her have her complimentary breakfast first! Someone call Hotel Rescue on this guy.
  11. A demon haunts chicks. For some reason he's named Toby and he really hates kitchens. I mean that motherfucker will fuck UP a kitchen!
  12. Guy works with pyromaniac obsessed with a stapler. Steals money in the whitest way possible. Neighbor loves breast exams a lot.
  13. Spoiled chick learns carrots don't taste as good fresh out of ground as when served to her by her black people, but she still doesn't learn to appreciate her black people.
  14. Neil Patrick Harris hangs out with a bunch of short blue people and teaches them the bro code.
  15. On Friday, these guys stay at home, smoke lots of pot, and act all black and stuff.
  16. A guy glues three people together ass to mouth, and it isn't even a Charlie Sheen party!
  17. Girls think doing witchcraft will be fun, but they forget that schoolgirls are too evil to use powers without murdering people for stupid schoolgirl reasons.
  18. A bunch of people sang, but there wasn't really much kissing, and there wasn’t actually any woman made out of spiders.
  19. @Diane_7A: I am Groot.
  20. @KaceyecaK: There's this happening, nothing really happens, but it kills some people, but really, nothing happens
  21. Guys who watch too many horror films like to stab women. #YesAllWomen. Except Nev, cuz she's a virgin. Oh wait...
  22. Even though slavery's over, black people are still forced to serve white people. But it's really funny to make them eat shit.
  23. There's not even a dog or any tail wagging. Just a bunch of politicians faking a war. Watch Beethoven instead.
  24. Some dude, some chick, a big blue diamond, iceberg, panic panic panic, OMG that guy hit a propeller! LOL AWESOME!
  25. Bunch of gay stuff happens. Not sure why someone should get a state of their own, but of all the ones you could pick, why that one? I mean, I like potatoes and all, but seriously...
  26. A dog thinks he's a hero. Turns out he's just a dog. Miley Cyrus is the voice of his owner, but she doesn't hump anything, which is so unlike her lately.
  27. When floating in space, it's a very strange time to have hallucinations. But if you must, let them be someone cute. Like George Clooney.
  28. Spoiler alert: nobody actually dies at the funeral. The midget almost does, but comes back with Courtney Love eyes.
  29. Really want a girl to like you? Hang from a ferris wheel like an asshole. But she won't remember you when she's an old cunt.
  30. Jack Nicholson is a dick, but he's available for doggie daycare, which eventually gets him into Helen Hunt's pants.
  31. Slavery really sucks! But look at my horse. My horse is amazing. And I got my chick back, yo!
  32. Vinnie Bobarino has wings. Vinnie Bobarino is an angel. Vinnie takes Mrs. Bunker to heaven, but never showers.
  33. A bunch of chicks do each other's hair, gossip, one has a daughter who dies, and everyone wants to slap Shirley McClaine. They'll even sell t-shirts!
  34. A parent and child switch bodies for no logical reason whatsoever. They learn that each other's lives are hard. Then they switch back, but weirdly, they never get funky with their new genitals.
  35. Russell Crowe has imaginary friends, and his workspace looks like he tried to diagram a Sarah Palin sentence.
  36. Based on a true story of people who hunt ghosts, except the real people are actually con artists. But hey. Ghosts. Why not?
  37. Trying to not eat people after you become a vampire makes you lame enough to have to hang out with the two Corys. Fuck it. Eat 'em. Do us all a favor!
  38. Same as the 80's program, except for some reason Boss Hogg is skinny now. Like that ever happens in the south. That’s like carb central.
  39. Mars does have a face, and it'll take you far out. But making things out of floating M&Ms gives you a sudden case of stigmata.
  40. Bunch of explosions, low-wide shots of people to dramatic music, more explosions, closing credits.
  41. Abraham Lincoln does a lot of talking with people about law and shit. What, no vamipires? Jeez
  42. Somehow Kahn's not the Fantasy Island guy anymore, but he can stand on top of flying cars like it's nothing.
  43. This kid's born like Jesus cuz his mom's not a ho, but this amphibious racial stereotype makes me want my money back
  44. Turns out men everywhere are really excited to join a cult with a masochistic multiple personality guy and get beat up. Meatloaf has tits.
  45. I'm gonna kill that Kung Fu guy. Wait, he's got my daughter? Well, let's watch movies. Then we'll kill him.
  46. This woman sells chocolate, but some French people think it makes the baby Jesus cry, so she bangs a pirate instead.
  47. When an insect bites you, for some reason it means mutant enemies from everywhere will try to kill your girlfriend.
  48. It's about the Zodiac Killer. But there's hardly any killing, and nothing about astrology. Goes nowhere for 3 hours. Not enough people are killed. I might murder someone myself just so my night is not a total waste.
  49. An alien from outer space is left on earth like Gilligan, but can finger you back to life, which is... kinky.
  50. Girl looks for love, blah blah blah, and real love was in front of her the whole time! Somebody blow something up, PLEASE!
  51. If you pause the movie at just the right time, the leaves in the air spell SEX. Oh, and a bunch of lion drama happens too.
  52. Greeks who aren't gay at all, make fun of Athenian men for being boy lovers. Oh, and Frank Miller is homophobe and a really bad historian
  53. Actually, she doesn't work with silk, nor with wood, but for some reason people keep forcing her to shower.
  54. Cute robot knocks over spaceship, making fat people fall out of their floaty chairs. Looked like if Titanic were a bear cruise.
  55. A bunch of stuff happens but a bunch of lens-flares block most of it. Then credits roll.
  56. Four magicians do some cool shit, but the biggest trick is that Morgan Freeman's in the movie, but not as a narrator! Well, he does narrate a little. Never mind. Is this your card?
  57. A bus has to drive like there's a redneck at the wheel, because if it drives like an Asian, everyone on it will die.
  58. If you have powers to shoot ice at people, hiding it will cause your sister to try to bang a guy she just met.
  59. Turns out Al Gore was right, but nobody listened, and a tidal wave hits New York. Let's all move to Mexico now, because irony, motherfucker!
  60. Guy masturbates for money, and has the biggest family ever. Then he learns how to love. You know, without his right hand this time.
  61. A bunch of muppets try to take Manhattan. That's a really bad shoplifting plan. Start smaller. Like Detroit.
  62. So if I dream inside of a dream I can live forever, but my little top thingie will never stop spinning?
  63. For some reason, nobody but a loser who sneezes a lot can read the 7th symbol on a space wheel. Gets laid by a space chick though.
  64. There's this mailbox that links Neo with the Speed chick. He almost dies. She saves him. The end.
  65. A fat guy runs a strip joint that some school kids burn down. Okay, they're the good guys, but the strippers are out of jobs now, so way to go, assholes.
  66. Apparently in Stephen King's brain, too much corn makes kids homicidal, and makes them all have bible sounding names.
  67. There's an island where a doctor makes all the animals screw each other and have Arkansas-style monster babies.
  68. Weirdly, there are still criminals jailed in Alcatraz, but the worst of them sucks because he refuses to put a bunny back in the box!
  69. Husband never comes home on time? He's a spy. Crazy guy tells you he's a spy? He's a loser who just wants in your pants.
  70. When Satan possesses a little girl, things get gross, creepy, and messy, like at a Gallagher show. You should probably bring plastic.
  71. There was no tinkerer, no tailor, no soldier, but I guess they were spies or something. I dunno. I fell asleep.
  72. @ami_angelwings: *exactly everything that happened in the Star Wars prequels, scene by scene, word for word*
  73. A city is just filled with chicks who kill men, go to death row, and become vaudeville celebrities. This city must not have much in the way of entertainment even though their courts are filled with barely clad dancing chicks.
  74. Three kids suck at wilderness exploration. One goes into a timeout and the other drops the camera. The end. 
  75. Nobody believes that a dingo ate her baby. But a dingo ate her goddamned baby! I mean it really did! HONEST!
  76. Give a midget a wiggly looking stick and he can be a badass hero too! Once he learns how to use the damned thing.
  77. A kid rescues a whale that likes to jump over him in really slow motion. They named him Willy. Huh huh... willy... heh... like a penis.
  78. A shirtless guy can talk to animals, but can't save the dad from Good Times, or one of his pet ferrets, or ever find a shirt!
  79. Vinnie Bobarino can't ever kiss a girl. Has to live like a gerbil or he'll die.
  80. A priest fucks a kid and lies about it, and all this nun cares about is that she now has a little doubt? Catholics are fucking nuts!
  81. 10 years later, Scully & Mulder end up in a movie with no plot whatsoever, but that bitch can really read a mailbox at high speed for some reason.
  82. Turns out you CAN break into Langley, but you can't chew the gum or your head will explode.
  83. Staying at a cabin gives a bunch of kids the worst case of scabies ever. Also, Uncle Jessie's down with the ni@%as and isn’t going to shoot them at all!
  84. Turns out, all Lifetime viewers care about is that their nanny doesn't steal their baby or bang their husband.
  85. Tomatoes kill people. No, I'm not kidding. They kill people!
  86. Rizzo jumps from a building, three other old biddies go Alanis Morisette style on their husbands. Oh BTW, never get lip injections!
  87. Look, Glenn Close just really really wants your love, okay? She even made rabbit soup for you! LOVE HER, DAMMIT!
  88. So it turns out the moon landing was all a conspiracy involving the coverup of deadly Hasbro toys?
  89. The people from the Matrix REALLY want Juilianne Moore to forget she ever had a baby. They also vacuum people up into the sky like dryer lint.
  90. Two Irish guys like to kill bad people, but not as much as they like to argue over whether rope is necessary.
  91. Old people can still spy hard, but shouldn't perv on young girls over the phone. Or kidnap them. Oh wait, she actually nails him! Never mind. She’s easy.
  92. Kid makes a wish on a carnival machine to become big. Should've been more specific about where so he could've swung some mad pipe!
  93. Taking your kids on a vacation in a car has always sucked. You should tie THEM to the bumper instead and let the dog ride IN the car.
  94. The black guy from the 90's SNL tries to hit on chicks, and makes us all realize not every SNL character should be given a movie.
  95. A Scrooge televises Scrooge, while he gets a Scrooge-like experience until he interrupts Scrooge to announce he's no longer going to be Scroogey.
  96. Aliens from outer space apparently come to earth to be perverts who do weird dance numbers. Meatloaf is for dinner.
  97. Superheros are actually kinda dicks. Especially blue ones that never put on clothes. You know what? Killing people really is the right thing to do because fuck you all, that's why.
  98. 2 hour AOL product placement about a super-fucking-yuppie couple who hate each other in real life, but love each other over computer, and yet fail to make this even remotely sexy.
  99. Dolly Parton and a bunch of hookers live in a place that, despite its name, doesn't actually have chickens.
  100. Caves are always full of cannibal people who've evolved into Shane McGowan look-a-likes. Don't explore them.
  101. This brown kid relives his life on a game show, and wins because of his horrible memories. Then BAM!!! Bollywood number! Oh, and he jumped in shit once.
  102. Repressed gay kid is a murderer. I'd be offended by this film, but I got to see Jude Law's huge penis.
  103. Not sure why, but there's these birds. Like everywhere. But the people are scarier and weirder than they are. But like, OMG! BIRDS!
  104. Okay, so they're attending high school, but they're always too high on pot. How can their times possibly be all that fast?
  105. Sandra Bullock is dumped on live TV. Whines the entire rest of the film until another guy does her. Even Speed 2 was better than this shit.
  106. Sports team sucks. New coach is brought in. Team hates new coach. Coach yells at team. Heartfelt moments. Montage. They win the game at the last second. Yay.
  107. Eyeliner guy rapes people after drinking milk. Rehabilitated by boring home movies. Let’s see if that works on Charlie Sheen!
  108. Guy with a nonexistent college title has life a far too exciting for believability. Expecially for someone obsessed with stupid symbols. Oh, and some shit about Jesus getting laid.
  109. Turns out when Satanists have sex parties, it's not sexy, they're not really all that evil, and nothing worth watching EVER actually happens.
  110. While most people run from tornados, those who run towards them are cooler than scientists usually are, and they make a lot of Star Wars and Wizard of Oz references, and eat some serious fucking meat.
  111. @WoolyWoolhouse: This weirdo kills a bunch of kids with candy, and there's orange midgets everywhere.
  112. Not Elvis and Not JFK fight some mummy in a nursing home. Also, Not JFK has too much melanin to be who he says he is.
  113. Douchebag has meltdown, hangs onto loud, naked black guy, wins girl by saying hello. Has a kid obsessed with human heads.
  114. @mosesmosesmoses: Fighter planes. Motorcycles. Drunken singing. Mostly nude male volleyball. No gay stuff.
  115. @TreyStokes: Matt Damon goes to 2001 and fights the District 9 guy until Jodie Foster dies and makes him the President of Health.
  116. @NicilinTime: So this girl is socially way beneath him, but this guy figures he can teach her some new words and then she’ll do.
  117. @666theheartless: Teenagers don’t know there is a killer. There is a killer. He kills them.
  118. @MsRavynPlume: The guy who did Forrest Gump goes all Gilligan’s Island and has a bromance with a soccer ball.
  119. @shaun_obanion: A muscle bound construction worker thinks he’s a spy and heads to Mars so he can help give miner’s oxygen.
  120. @brakinggnus: They race with a Volkswagen Beetle that’s possessed.
  121. @impalergeneral: A  bunch of New Yorkers take video of a party and are interrupted by a Godzilla knockoff who beheads a statue.
  122. @sbliss89: Man is forced to spend an entire winter with his family, and very quickly goes insane from their constant company.
  123. @nicknewt: Oh man, so, like, all this STUFF happened! Dude, it was great. You should have seen it. Dude. Yeah, I’m high. Why?
  124. @himmiebjr: Pilot takes highway to the danger zone. Only in the air. An air-highway.
  125. @josh_ill_us: No mockingbirds were killed in the making of this movie. False advertisement!
  126. @sevenlayercake: Jodie Foster looks for a guy that really really likes lotion.
  127. @franzferdinand2: Bambi is standing there for like 30 seconds then Godzilla steps on him.
  128. @GlennF: Robots can turn into things, like merchandise.
  129. @briangaar: Michael Jordan plays a basketball game on peyote.
  130. @jelmore: Jim Carrey plays a guy who finds a mask that turns him into a living Jim Carrey character.
  131. @neutralmilk: one guy punches another guy and eventually a bunch of guys take turns punching each other and there’s soap.
  132. @MushKat: Man is best friends with scary 6’ tall rabbit. Together they burn down Patrick Swayze’s house for putting baby in a corner.

 

Okay, you know you want the answers:

  1. Toy Story
  2. The Matrix
  3. Home Alone
  4. Lucy
  5. Hunger Games
  6. Gremlins
  7. The Parent Trap. No, not the good one. The one with Lindsey Lohan.
  8. Monsters Inc.
  9. Bambi
  10. Psycho. Duh!
  11. Paranormal Activity. Well, we learn the girls call him Toby in 3, where he picks up everything in the kitchen and slams it down, scaring the shit out of the babysitter. It's in 2 where he damned near blows up the whole kitchen just when you think he's going to make the fucking pot fall again. Most hilarious part ever!
  12. Office Space
  13. Gone With the Wind
  14. Smurfs. I didn't watch it. I just made that bro code part up.
  15. Friday
  16. Human Centipede
  17. The Craft
  18. Kiss of the Spider Woman... which I've never seen.
  19. Guardians of the Galaxy. That's all he ever says, so he'd be REALLY bad at explaining a film plot, don't you think?
  20. The Happening. M. Night Shammalammadingdong's big brain fart.
  21. Speed
  22. The Help
  23. Wag the Dog
  24. Titanic
  25. My Own Private Idaho
  26. Bolt. And don't look at me like that. Miley's been humping EVERYTHING lately!
  27. Gravity
  28. Death at a Funeral
  29. The Notebook. Look, it came on, I had a really high fever and couldn't find the remote. Nick Sparks needs to have his writer's license revoked.
  30. As Good As It Gets
  31. Django Unchained, and yes, that was a reference to Amazing Horse by Weebl
  32. Michael
  33. Terms of Endearment. Oh wait, sorry. I meant Steel Magnolias. I got confused because they're the same fucking movie.
  34. Every goddamned body switching movie ever made.
  35. A Beautiful Mind
  36. Take your pick. The Conjuring, Amityville, the Haunting, the Ghost that Liked to Fuck with People, Poltergeist, the Exorcism of Emily Rose, Beaches... seriously.
  37. Lost Boys. I mean Cory Hart and Cory Haim, of course.
  38. The Dukes of Hazard, the recent film of epic failure.
  39. Mission to Mars. Okay look, the young kid is making DNA models of his perfect woman out of M&Ms floating in zero-gravity when space debris suddenly flies through the ship and penetrates his hand. Oh yeah, now you get it!
  40. Every fucking Michael Bay film ever made!
  41. Lincoln. No, NOT the vampire one. That's the point.
  42. Star Trek II: Into Darkness. Seriously, you can't just stand and jump on top of moving vehicles. They did it on the Matrix but that's because computer people can bend the rules of physics. But you can't, and neither can Kahn. Certianly not fucking Spock and his girlfriend.
  43. Star Wars: Episode 1
  44. Fight Club
  45. Kill Bill
  46. Chocolat
  47. Spiderman
  48. Zodiac, the recent one. I was like, "Is anybody else gonna fucking die? Hellooooooo???"
  49. E. T. the Extra Terrestrial
  50. Every chick flick ever fucking made!
  51. Lion King
  52. 300
  53. Silkwood
  54. Wall-E
  55. Every fucking JJ Abrams movie ever made!
  56. Now You See Me
  57. Speed (Don't fucking get offended at me. You laughed. You fucking know you did.)
  58. Frozen
  59. The Day After Tomorrow
  60. Delivery Man
  61. The Muppets take Manhattan
  62. Inception
  63. Stargate
  64. The Lake House (I can't believe I watched that fucking thing)
  65. Porky's. Yeah, I just dated the fuck out of myself.
  66. Children of the Corn
  67. The Island of Dr. Moreau, and I can't believe I didn't make a joke about how chunky Godfather was in that. Or mention that fuckin' weird midget thing.
  68. The Rock
  69. True Lies
  70. The Exorcist
  71. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy... I didn't understand a single fucking thing that happened and was so fucking bored that we actually walked out after 40 minutes.
  72. Yeah, I agree. What she said.
  73. Chicago
  74. The Blair Witch Project
  75. Whatever that Meryl Streep dingo-ate-her-fucking-baby movie was called
  76. Willow
  77. Oh come on, you had to look this one up?
  78. Beastmaster. Yes, that really fucking hot black guy was the dad from Good Times.
  79. The Boy in the Plastic Bubble
  80. Doubt
  81. The X-Files Movie ... the one that came out just a few years ago, which was so pointless and stupid that it pissed me off and made me swear Chris Carter off forever. I mean seriously, there's no fucking WAY she saw what was on the mailbox going that goddamned fast! AND THAT HAD NO FUCKING POINT EITHER!!!!!
  82. Mission: Impossible
  83. Cabin Fever
  84. Every fucking Lifetime movie EVER MADE!!!!!!!
  85. HA!!! You thought it was going to be Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, but you're wrong. It's Food Inc. Watch it and you'll swear all food will kill you.
  86. First Wives Club
  87. Fatal Attraction
  88. Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon (had nothing to do with Pink Floyd at ALL! PS: there is no 'dark side' of the moon. It all gets sunlight at some point.)
  89. The Forgotten. Yeah, I know. It wasn't a Matrix movie, but you tell me it wasn't. I mean like fucking seriously!
  90. Boondock Saints
  91. Red
  92. Big
  93. National Lampoon's Family Vacation
  94. The Lady's Man
  95. Scrooged
  96. Rocky Horror Picture Show
  97. The Watchmen
  98. You've Got Mail
  99. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
  100. The Descent
  101. Slumdog Millionaire (except for the shit jump, I fucking loved this movie)
  102. The Talented Mr. Ripley
  103. The Birds. I'm serious, the human characters were fucking bizarre people.
  104. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
  105. Hope Floats. And so does this turd of a movie.
  106. Every sports movie ever fucking made!
  107. A Clockwork Orange
  108. Da Vinci Code
  109. Eyes Wide Shut
  110. Twister
  111. Either Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder, or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with... no wait... we actually see the kids leave in that one with nobody being killed at all. Okay, the first one. The good one. The one that didn't make us feel like taking a shower afterwards.
  112. Bubba Hotep, and if you haven't seen it, SEE IT!
  113. Jerry Maguire, because no movie list is complete without this one.
  114. Top Gun
  115. Elysium
  116. My Fair Lady. I think.
  117. Every killer movie ever made. Or maybe Charlie Sheen's autobiography. I really have it out for Charlie Sheen today.
  118. Castaway
  119. Total Rekall, the sucky Arnold version that deviated so badly from Dick's vision that eyeballs got sucked out of heads.
  120. Oh great, another Lindsey Lohan film. Herbie.
  121. Cloverfield
  122. The Shining
  123. Let's just let this guy sleep it off.
  124. Top Gun. Wait, again?
  125. To Kill a Mockingbird. I hope. Because if it's something else I'm going to feel awefully stupid.
  126. I want to say Bird on a Wire, because I'm sure Mel Gibson is that fucking nuts, but we all know it's Silence of the Lambs.
  127. I love this man for mentioning Bambi vs. Godzilla!
  128. But then, what can't these days? Transformers. More than meets the eye, and more than you have in your wallet.
  129. Space Jam
  130. The Mask
  131. Fight Club, but I liked mine better.
  132. Donnie Darko, and if you really think for a second and realize he's not talking about Dirty Dancing's baby at ALL, you'll realize @MushKat is one sick motherfucker.

PS: I have no idea what the movie described in the picture is.
Someone? Anyone?