Friday, August 15, 2014

Dear National Enquirer…


Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for your classy reporting. I’d never have known how badly Ellen DeGeneres’ relationship was on the rocks if you hadn’t made it up. And I’m more than certain that you really do believe all the articles you write about Obama cheating on his wife with farm animals, or whatever the hell you were saying. I get it. You make shit up. And people are stupid and insipid enough to purchase your rag.

But let me ask you a question… are you aware Neil Patrick Harris (a man so awesome he’s now known as NPH) is married to his partner? Let me ask you if you ever see heterosexual couples breaking up (or okay, in your case, you make up a story that they’re  breaking up) and insist that those “straight lovers” are storming off from each other? Or do you say Brad Pitt is leaving his wife? Would you say that Rihanna was beaten up by her “black lover”? Why did you have to say “gay lover” about NPH?

I mean don’t get me wrong. I know you want to add details for accuracy. I know you want headlines to scream to people. “Gay” must be a huge buyer grabber given how much homphobia there is in the lowest intellectual strata of our culture (i.e. your readers). I’m sure they saw “GAY” in big letters and chuckle like Beavis & Butthead, immediately snickering about how the play with each other’s penis. But I guarantee you that they already know NPH is gay. It’s been everywhere. It was mentioned on every gossip show and reported by all the news media who were busy reporting on such drivel rather than on actually important affairs. They even had a reality show’s contestants cater their wedding, if I remember right. Although that may have been another couple. I don’t remember. I do remember they were part of RuPaul’s Drag Race’s wedding episode as the queens were asked to dress up grooms getting other to look like drag queens themselves. They were the guest judges.

Just to put it simply, the people know. It’s no secret.

Is it too much to ask that, just this once, you say “husband” rather than the big, catchy, chuckle-bait words GAY LOVER as you make shit up about NPH and his partner? His partner, I might add, has a name. And quite a name for himself too. David Burtka. He’s an actor and a chef. He does things that actually benefit society. Maybe one of these days you will too. I know, your paper is useful for the linings of a bird cage, but I really don’t consider that redeeming enough.

In the meantime, NPH and Burtka, husbands and fathers of two, really appreciate your reduction of their family to “gay lover” status, I’m sure. Just as I’m sure what they do to each others’ bodies in bed is the only thing you can even come close to fixating on, let me assure you. After all, it’s the only way you can relate to them since it’s no different than what you do for a living.

Because you’re a bunch of jerk-off assholes who completely suck at your job of buttfucking the truth. Only thing missing is lube.